A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the “Birds and the Bees”. ‘I don’t want to know,’ the child said, bursting into tears. ‘Promise me you won’t tell me.’ Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, When I was six, I got the “There’s no Easter Bunny” speech. At seven, I got the “There’s no Tooth Fairy” speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the “There’s no Santa” speech. If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.

Un urs la farmacie:
- 50 de prezervative va rog.
Doi iepurasi in spatele lui isi dadeau coate si radeau de el.
Ursu’ se intoarce, se uita crunt la ei, se intoarce la farmacist si zice:
- 52!

Un individ cu un caine intra intr-un bar. Comanda o bere si zice:
- Am un caine foarte destept!
Dupa cateva minute:
- Cainele meu este cel mai inteligent!
Lumea din jur se uita deja urat la el. Paharul s-a umplut de tot cand el afirma:
- Cainele meu vorbeste!
- Dar, bine, omule, ne crezi tampiti?! Cum sa vorbeasca un animal?
- Hai sa facem pariu! Voi ii puneti o intrebare si daca nu raspunde ma scoateti de aici in suturi, dar daca raspunde, faceti cinste!
- Bine, ma! Ia sa vedem!
- Ma animalule, cum se cheama chestia aia din piele cu care tii calul?!
Cainele se uita in ochii lor si spune:
- Ham!
- Asta a fost un latrat!, si-l scot in suturi pe individ afara.
Cainele se duce docil dupa el si-l intreaba:
- Trebuia sa spun lesa?

Ieri am fost la Disneyland aici in HK. Super frumos, no comment. Anyway, de ce nu am scris extended despre vacanta? Pentru ca o fac dupa 28, cand ajung back in Cehia, momentan i just do stuff.

Acum plecam la Ocean Park, sa ne dam pe o tona de bullshituri care exista acolo.

Nu am reusit sa sar de pe Sky Tower in Auckland din pacate, pentru ca eram la costum, si sa ma plimb juma de oras prin caldura aia ar fi fost pain in the ass, si sa le zic la aia ca vreau sa sar, la cum eram imbracat, cred ca ar fi aratat weird… rau.

Maine la 12 noaptea am avionul back spre Munchen, si de acolo inca o ora pana in Praga, si then, home sweet home, si time for memories to be told

Cya soon

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings. Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman’s two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America’s keepers of the word:

What is your brother-in-law’s name?

Borofkin.

What’s his first name?

I can’t remember.

He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?

No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name!

Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

I refuse to answer that question.

Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

I refuse to answer that question.

Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

No.

Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

What is your name?

Ernestine McDowell.

And what is your marital status?

Fair.

Are you married?

No, I’m divorced.

And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A lot of things I didn’t know about.

And who is this person you are speaking of?

My ex-widow said it.

How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?

Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

I will be three months November 8th.

Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

Yes.

What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

I should be.

How many times have you comitted suicide?

Four times.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?

All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Were you aquainted with the deceased?

Yes, sir.

Before or after he died?

Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.

What happened then?

He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”

Did he kill you?

No.

Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

No.

What was he doing with the dog’s ears?

Picking them up in the air.

Where was the dog at this time?

Attached to the ears.

When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

Oral.

How old are you?

Oral.

What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

She is my daughter.

Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

…and what did he do then?

He came home, and next morning he was dead.

So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?

I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

It was covered?

Yes, bandaged.

Then, later on.. what did you see?

I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Could you see him from where you were standing?

I could see his head.

And where was his head?

Just above his shoulders.

What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?

Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

Do you drink when you’re on duty?

I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

…any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

The victim lived.

Are you sexually active?

No, I just lie there.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Yes, I have been since early childhood.

The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?

No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

What is the meaning of sperm being present?

It indicates intercourse.

Male sperm?

That is the only kind I know.

(Showing man picture.) That’s you?

Yes, sir.

And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Un tip se duce intr-un restaurant si o intreaba pe ospatarita:
- Ce imi recomandati astazi?
- Chilli, spune ea, dar domnul de linga dv. a luat ultima portie.
- Bine, atunci voi bea doar o cafea.
In timp ce astepta cafeaua, il vede pe cel de linga el ca terminase de mincat, dar in fata lui mai era o farfurie neatinsa de chilli. Astfel ca il intreaba:
- Scuze, mai mincati portia aia?
- Nu, va rog, serviti-va!
Astfel, tipul nostru se apuca bucuros sa infulece. Cind ajunge pe la jumatatea farfuriei, gaseste un soarece mort in mijlocul mincarii. La vederea lui, i se face greata si vomita tot chilliul inapoi in farfurie. Tipul de linga el zice:
- Da, tot numai pina acolo am ajuns si eu!

Am ajuns in Hong Kong.

Destul de simpatic, o sa scriu mai multe. chestia importanta e ca electronicele sunt la jumatate de pret aici, fata de europa.

Laptopurile …. maxim 1400 $ si configuratii care le-am gasit la 2800 prin cehia & ro.

O sa scriu mai multe cand ajung acasa

cheers.

Un sofer de tir intra intr-un bordel de pe traseu, pune 500 de dolari pe masa patroanei si spune: - Ai aici 500 de parai, da-mi cea mai grasa si nasoala femeie pe care o ai si trimite-mi in camera si o portie din cea mai arsa, lipita si fara gust mincare de la bucatarie. Patroana : - Iubi… dar de banii astia iti dau cea mai misto femeie de pe aici, plus ca te hranesc 3 zile cu cele mai fine mincaruri. Soferul : - Honey, n-am chef de sex, mi-e dor de casa…

O doamna intra la farmacie si îi cere farmacistului arsenic. Farmacistul întreaba: - Doamna, la ce va trebuie arsenicul? - Pentru ca sa-l omor pe sotul meu! - Doamna, nu pot sa va vînd arsenic pentru acest motiv, îmi pare rau, spune farmacistul. Atunci doamna scotoceste în poseta si scoate o fotografie cu sotul ei care facea dragoste cu sotia farmacistului. Acesta se uita la fotografie si spune: - Ah, scuzati-ma, n-am stiut ca aveti reteta.

Maine plec la Jet Ski Safari, 4 ore pe jet ski, plimbare prin insule. should be fun. Acum pot sa spun in sfarsit ca m-am bronzat. This is cool, pentru ca de obicei sunt alb, si bronzul nu se prinde de mine.

Anyway, Fiji holiday se termina joi, atunci o sa plecam spre destinatia Hong Kong, unde o sa stam 3 zile. Targeturile mele sunt …. de fapt e doar 1 for now Sa ma plimb cu Maglev, trenul care merge cu 500 km/h.

Sper sa gasesc ceva markets de electronice, sa vad ce gadgeturi au baetii.

A+